I am so fucking tired of being alive. I wake up every damn day with this gut feeling and these stupid fucking thoughts that i shouldnt even be here typing this. And its thisfucking rollercoaster that i cant get off of unless i jump, and i feel like i should. i have tried almost everything. Cutting, burning, starving, hell ive even tried TALKING to someone like a professional. And god all i want to do is blow my fucking brains out. I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF TRYING TO BE HAPPY. Here's a shitty thing, while im with him, IAM HAPPY. I LOVE BEING WITH HIM. I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH AND IT HURTS. Here's the thing Ive only been in love, like head over fuckig heels three times. Hes the first guy to have my heart. I know that i need help, but id rather kill myself then get it. And yes, i know that im a fucking mistake but i cant hurt him. I JUST WANT TO STOP HATING MYSELF. I WANT THESE STUPID THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE TO GO AWAY. It wast my fault that my mom chose drugs over my dad and brother, it wasnt my fault that Jayy left me. I wasnt bullied by other kids. Its not my choice that i'm bisexual. It wasnt my fault my parents divorced. I KNOW THAT. So why do I feel like its all my fault? Why do I want to cut away until nothing is left????? WHY DO I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH???