I don't know anymore

I've been crying fire the past two or so hours and it's 12:54 Am here so count that back.. I don't know why I even held on... Yes I do his name is Jeremiah.. and I love him. But I destroy him.. in fact I do that top everyone.. on nights like this I destroy myself and the pain I cause myself it's killing me but I won't stop cause I like hurting myself as long as others are happy then it's okay because if they can't see it then I'm happy. And of course it's not a real happiness it's fake but Hey... and no I'm not okay... I want to watch myself bleed again... I want it. But I can't. Because I know that my Jeremiah watches me. And I told myself that I can't lose him I just never thought I'd lose myself to keep him. I know it sounds selfish... God I'm so....  so fucking bad at this living thing.. Fuck. Why did I have to become this way?! Somebody help.. Im so confused and scared of myself. I'm afraid that I'll wake up and He'll be gone.  But maybe if he left I cold kill myself

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